- Melissa L. White
By Melissa L. White, LCSW, MRC Medical Advisory Board member
I recently came across some articles about how difficult it is for women to accept compliments. A man wrote about his experience giving what he thought to be a genuine compliment to a woman at a gym. After he was interrogated and doubted, he walked away thinking he had just royally screwed up… all because the woman wasn’t able to simply say “thank you.”
Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child development specialist and body image expert, wrote an article and appeared on NBC’s Today Show about “Compliment Shutdown: Why Can’t a Woman Take a Compliment.” This brought to life a lesson that I learned many moons ago while attending a women’s self esteem group as part of a graduate internship. What I learned there was when a compliment is given, you say “thank you,” even if you don’t believe it.
What is so interesting about Dr. Robyn’s article is the experience that women have of feeling the need to debunk or dispute the compliment – even when it is something as simple as “I like your hair.” Then I started thinking about all the ways I craftily debunk compliments, even after saying “thank you” like I was taught.
“You look nice today Melissa.” “Oh, thank you, I just grabbed whatever I didn’t have to iron this morning.” Okay, so maybe the not ironing part is true, but I am still downplaying the compliment. By my reply, I am indicating that I didn’t try and implying that I don’t look that nice, because I didn’t work hard. I sure don’t want you to think I am cocky or stuck up, because I look nice. Whew, what a mental workout! Really, saying thank you is SO MUCH easier!
This issue runs deep and wide, and is related to a term that I found very powerful – “our inner body bullies.” This goes along with the open door to negative thoughts I mentioned in my previous blog “Stuck in Your Own Head?!” Inside that door are destructive thoughts and this mean, nasty bully constantly telling us we are not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, fit enough and perfect enough. ARRRGGHHH!
We don’t have to deny our strengths, so that others don’t feel bad about themselves. They will feel bad about themselves no matter what we do unless we provide an example for them and shine. When you look nice – even if you don’t feel nice – and someone compliments you, say “thank you” and move on. Keep that body bully behind that door. Bite your lip, squeeze your hands, do whatever it takes to keep that body bully under control and yourself from negating a genuine compliment. When you look good and feel good and someone notices, say “thank you.” You can even add, “I feel really good today.” There is so much negative in the world. Be part of the positive posse and demonstrate to your fellow women how we can let our assets shine and be proud without being arrogant.
Below are the links to Dr. Robyn’s article and a link to her interview on the Today Show, which includes the article written by the poor man who thought he was doing a good deed by complimenting a woman at his local gym. You men will be interested in that one – it could be the difference between being labeled “that guy” or not!
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44340053/ns/today-today_health/#.Tmdxa2rnFeY
http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/body-image/compliment-shutdown-why-cant-a-woman-take-a-compliment/
